When my youngest daughter turned 16, she asked if I was done limiting her screen time. I said no, but added that I was willing to discuss what those limits might be moving forward. “What do you think would be a reasonable amount of screen time these days?” I asked, in my best effort to solicit my teen’s input before making decisions that directly affect her, as parents these days are instructed to do. In response, she rolled her eyes, shot me a look of contempt I have come to expect with discussions that involve limit-setting of any kind, and flatly replied, “As much as I want.” Let’s just say the remainder of the conversation was fairly unpleasant for all involved.
We know parenting is hard. Let me rephrase: we know good parenting is hard. And parenting teenagers is hardly an exception. After all, anyone can yell at their kid for hacking the parenting controls on the phone so they can scroll TikTok until 3am on a school night. It takes something else entirely, some superhuman emotional strength and perhaps months of therapy, to set aside your emotions and focus on what skills or lessons you can help them learn in that moment.
Why Good (Enough) Parenting Is Hard
As a parent of teenagers as well as a therapist to parents of teenagers, I have given a lot of thought as to why being a good parent – yes, even a good enough parent – is so dang hard. While there are a myriad reasons I could list here, I will highlight my top three, including suggestions as to how we might make this phase a little less painful for ourselves.
Reason #1: The Stakes Feel Incredibly High
I don’t have to tell you that Parent is probably the most important job you will ever have. I didn’t say it has to be your favorite job. But it is the most important, which makes it hard not to panic when you think you’re doing it wrong. None of us wants to see our kids struggle, fail, or make terrible choices that take them down dark and scary paths. I also think our society tends to put all the responsibility on parents to churn out successful, law-abiding citizens, and then blames them when things go off the rails. In other words, it can feel like every action we take as parents may have life-altering consequences. That’s a lot of pressure.
Solution: Remember You Are Only One Piece of the Puzzle
For better or for worse, you are only one of many influences affecting how your child turns out. I don’t want to make it sound like what you do doesn’t matter, because it does, but there is a critical difference between influencing how your child turns out and controlling it. Your teen’s other parent also has an impact, after all, as do genetics, siblings, extended family, neighbors, peer relationships, teachers, coaches, religion, social media… you see where I’m going with this. By radically accepting that how our children turn out is as much (or more) outside our control as it is within it, we can ease up on ourselves and focus on doing our best, knowing we will miss the mark on occasion – and that’s ok.
Reason #2: Their Behavior Can Feel Really Personal
Here’s my favorite part (note the sarcasm) of parenting teenagers: One moment, they’re delightful and loving, confiding in you their deepest thoughts and feelings…and the next moment they treat you like a pimple they can’t get rid of fast enough. All because you said no to something they want. It doesn’t help that few people in your life will be able to hit you where it hurts more effectively than your teenager when they’re in a mood, which makes their attacks feel so deeply personal. To be fair, when your kid is screaming at you and accusing you of ruining their life, I mean, of course it feels personal.
Solution: Assume It Isn’t Personal
While I’m not suggesting you ignore every piece of negative or critical feedback you receive from your teen, it will serve you better to assume the majority of their insults, accusations and silent treatments are not about you at all. Nor does it mean they don’t respect you. Believe it or not, this kind of behavior often means they see you as a safe person, someone who can handle them at their worst without rejecting them. I’m not suggesting you have to sit there and take it – you can tell them there are limits to what you will tolerate – but when we remind ourselves it isn’t personal, we are more likely to remain calm and intentional in our response.
Reason #3: Immediate Validation is Rare
Honestly, this holds true for pretty much all stages of parenting, but it is particularly true when parenting teenagers: we will rarely receive immediate validation from them that we are doing a good job. I often joke with my clients who are parents that if their teenager isn’t at least a little miffed with them on a regular basis, they’re probably doing it wrong. A teenager’s job is to push limits, test boundaries, and explore independence. The job of a parent is to hold firm to the boundaries we’ve set, letting our teen know that while we have their back, it doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want – even (or especially) when they’re outraged at the rules we’ve put in place. Unfortunately, while we may believe what we’re doing is best for them in the long run, our teen may have a vastly different take.
Solution: Trust Yourself – and Consult
Since teens are bound to criticize any parenting approach that doesn’t involve letting them do exactly as they please, we can’t use their feedback to gauge how well we’re doing. If upsetting them causes you to back-peddle on the limits you’ve set, you are probably doing more harm than good. What this means is that you want to be intentional and confident in the limits and expectations you set (i.e., don’t make them up on the fly), firm in your ability to follow through on any consequences you forewarned them about, and unflappable when your teen argues their case with the fervor of a defense attorney on Law & Order. If you find yourself wavering, consult with someone who is not your teenager before deciding how to proceed. But mostly, try to trust yourself in moments like these. You may never know with certainty whether you got it right, but if you are being consistent, loving and intentional as a parent, you are almost certainly doing more good than harm – no matter what your teenager tells you in the heat of the moment.
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As I prepare to usher my youngest into adulthood – she turns 18 on Friday! – I can assure you that it does get easier, eventually. All four of our daughters challenged us in their own unique ways, pushing my husband and I to our limits at one time or another, and had us wondering where, exactly, the light was at the end of the tunnel. But I also believe that we – along with our village of grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, coaches, therapists, the list goes on – managed to do a good enough job as parents, albeit nowhere near perfect. And if we can get through it, so can you. Have faith, hang in there, and give yourself hefty doses of grace and compassion (and maybe the occasional break from your teen and their shenanigans) along the way.
Need support as you parent your own teens? Contact us today to get connected with a provider who can help you navigate this or any of the other challenging stages of life.
About the Author
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years of experience. Although she enjoys working with clients of all ages, she is especially passionate about helping men and women in midlife navigate the challenges unique to this stage of life, including (but not limited to) health challenges, perimenopause and menopause, divorce, co-parenting and re-partnering, career adjustments, caring for ailing parents and parenting emerging adults.